Blog Three: Diversity and Differences: Embracing Conflict
Inspirational Reflection
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Lessons from Conflict Tools and Frameworks
- Acknowledge & Validate – “I can see you’re frustrated. This matters to me, and I want to make it better. Can you walk me through what happened from your view?”
- Get Curious – “What impact do you think this will have on our team?”
- Joint Problem-Solve – “Given the situation, here are the two options I see. Which one gets us closer to an acceptable outcome for both of us?”
I believe his approach is effective because it builds trust, lowers defensiveness, and creates space for genuine dialogue. I can see myself applying it not just at work, but also in friendships, marriage, and everyday situations where clarity and connection are essential.
Ditch the Drama
Through self-reflection, we can shift into our “higher self”—a mindset grounded in clarity, compassion, and accountability. Wakeman offers three simple questions that have helped me reframe challenges and return to what truly matters:
1. What do I know for sure?
This question separates facts from assumptions. Reality is rarely as dramatic
as the story we’ve built in our heads. As a nurse, it helps me stay grounded
instead of reacting emotionally.
2. What could I do to help?
Instead of falling into blame, this question empowers me to act. It shifts me
into a leadership mindset—focused on making a difference, not just identifying
problems. I have always been of the mind, if I’m going to make a suggestion, it
should be practical and actionable.
3. What would great look like?
This redirects my energy toward vision and possibility. Even when the unit is
chaotic or resources are stretched thin, this question helps me see solutions
and move forward with intention.
These questions are thought-provoking and will help me be less reactive and more intentional, allowing me to approach challenges with greater calm and purpose. Choosing this mindset doesn’t mean ignoring the real pressures we face; it means responding in a way that protects our well-being, strengthens our teams, and ultimately improves patient care.
In a field like nursing, where control is limited and pressure is constant, clarity is not just helpful, it’s critical. Responding from our higher self gives us the strength to lead with purpose and calm. It also benefits our team by modeling a mindset that consistently reframes thoughts in a more positive light—something essential in an environment where it’s all too easy to dwell on the negative during challenging moments.
Turning Conflict into a Catalyst for Growth
Clarke and Campbell, in their talk “Conflict—Use It, Don’t Diffuse It” (2015), argue that conflict, when approached with vulnerability and curiosity, can be a powerful driver of innovation and connection. Rather than avoiding or diffusing tension, they emphasize the importance of leaning into it with openness and courage. Vulnerability, they explain, is not a weakness but a strength—the willingness to express authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires. When combined with curiosity—by setting aside the need to be right and genuinely seeking to understand others’ perspectives, this approach fosters deeper trust and creativity. Whether at home with family or in the workplace, avoiding conflict can result in disengagement and diminished performance. On the other hand, recognizing and addressing conflict enables teams to establish healthier relationships, foster innovation, and attain greater results.
Transforming Conflict into Opportunity
Recognizing and addressing conflict within a team is not merely about avoiding discord—it is an essential step toward building healthier relationships and encouraging growth. By confronting challenges directly, teams cultivate stronger bonds and lay the foundation for innovation. When conflict is approached openly and constructively, it paves the way for greater results and more resilient collaboration.
In his TED Talk, “The Beauty of Conflict,” Canfield (2016) states that conflict is not necessarily something negative but can serve as a tool. In healthcare settings, addressing conflict with vulnerability and emotional intelligence can influence outcomes. Canfield encourages us to take ownership of our actions and emotions, saying things like, “I own that I didn’t show up the way I needed to in that situation.” This kind of honesty builds trust and fosters healthier team dynamics. He also emphasizes the value of asking empathetic questions like, “What’s been the hardest part of this for you?”—the kind that helps us move beyond surface-level tension and into real human connection.
Canfield’s talk also addresses the significance of establishing clear and respectful boundaries. In healthcare teams, that might sound like, “We can talk about this, but not if we’re yelling or calling each other names.” Boundaries create safe spaces for open communication rather than exerting control. Instead of avoiding conflict, Canfield urges us to approach it with curiosity, care, and courage.
The Power of Listening
After listening to Ury’s TED Talk on The Power of Listening, I identified several practical insights that I could quickly implement in my everyday life. This topic is especially relevant to me, as it is an area in which I know I need improvement. After my husband mentioned it, I’ve focused on actively listening and understanding the true meaning behind words.
Whether at work or at home, I can already see
the difference it makes. Patients, co-workers, and family members all want the
same thing: to feel understood. The simple act of listening opens the door to
trust, respect, and a stronger connection. And when it comes to conflict, I’m
realizing listening isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. It lowers defenses,
surfaces real needs, and creates the foundation for resolution.
1.
Understanding the Other Side
You can’t resolve conflict—or influence someone’s perspective—without first
understanding it. At work, that might mean sitting with a patient who is fearful
and upset, letting them talk through their fears before rushing into solutions.
At home, it’s when my preschool-aged daughter melts down over something that
feels small to me, but enormous to her. The moment I stop trying to “fix” and simply
listen, I start to see the world through her eyes.
2.
Creating Connection
Conflict can make people defensive, but listening communicates trust and
respect. I’ve learned this in my marriage: if I jump straight into proving my
point, tension rises. But when I take a moment to pause and reflect on what my
husband is saying, it shifts the whole tone. He feels heard, I feel calmer, and
suddenly we’re solving a problem together instead of fighting to win.
3.
Opening Pathways to Agreement
People are more willing to move toward resolution once they feel heard. That’s
true whether it’s a co-worker frustrated on a busy shift or my kids arguing
over who got the bigger scoop of ice cream. Most of the time, the argument
isn’t really about ice cream; it’s about fairness, feelings, and wanting to be
heard. Active listening enables the
identification of underlying issues, facilitating progress toward effective
solutions.
How I’m Practicing Listening
- Daily repetition. Listening is a skill to practice, especially when I least feel like it.
- Hearing beyond words. With my kids, that means noticing the sighs or the silence that say more than their words.
- Asking deeper questions. What are you hoping for right now? What would help you feel better?
- Quieting my mind. It’s harder than it sounds, but essential—because listening only works when I stop rehearsing my next response.
From Compromise to Collaboration: My Spirit Animal
On the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Inventory, I align with the Compromising style, symbolized by the fox. The fox is clever, diplomatic, and strategic—traits I recognize in myself when I’m navigating conflict. Like the fox, I’m often searching for a way to keep progress moving while still protecting relationships, even if it means both sides must give up a little.
In both the military and nursing fields, this approach has proven effective in certain situations. In fast-paced, demanding environments, compromise keeps teams moving forward, boosts morale, and prevents issues from escalating. It has allowed me to be fair, balanced, and practical; someone who avoids power struggles and instead helps the group move forward. But I’ve also learned that compromise can be a double-edged sword. While it provides quick solutions, it sometimes leaves deeper problems unresolved. True collaboration requires more time, energy, vulnerability, and creativity. It requires teamwork and investment in solutions that acknowledge the needs and contributions of all participants.
Why Grenny’s Crucial Conversations Matters
During my time in the Army, I had a Soldier who crossed professional boundaries with personal remarks. Instead of addressing it early, I avoided the discomfort and let it go on too long. When I addressed the issue, it had already escalated, and my leadership was less effective.
Looking back, I can see how vital Joseph Grenny’s Crucial Conversations framework is. His advice is simple but powerful: the way we handle tough conversations, especially the first 30 seconds, can determine whether a relationship builds trust or breaks down.
Why It Matters
-Silence comes with a cost. Avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away—it usually makes them grow.
-Venting doesn’t solve problems. Talking about frustrations without moving toward a solution just chips away at trust.
-Safety comes first. People are more willing to be more open when they know their goals matter and their dignity is respected.
How I Would Apply It Now
With Grenny’s tools, I would have approached the Soldier directly, clearly, and respectfully:
Mutual
Purpose:
“I want to make sure our working relationship stays professional so we can
focus on the mission and succeed together as a team.”
Mutual
Respect:
“You’re an important part of this unit, and that’s why I need to be upfront
about expectations.”
Share
the Facts:
“I’ve noticed a few personal comments during duty hours — for example,
yesterday when you said ____.”
Tell
My Story:
“When that happens, it makes it harder for me to keep things professional and
it distracts us from the work we need to get done.”
Ask
for Their Path:
“I’d like to hear your perspective on this — can you share how you see it?”
This conversation balances directness and respect. It makes boundaries clear, while also leaving room for dialogue and accountability.
The Bigger Lesson
Grenny’s framework gives leaders a consistent method for managing difficult conversations in various settings. Crucial conversations aren’t just about solving problems; they’re about preserving respect, building trust, and moving forward together.
If I had known this then, I would have been more effective as a leader at that moment. But now, as a nurse, spouse, and mom, I carry this lesson with me: the conversations I avoid are usually the ones that matter most. And when I approach them with honesty and respect, they can strengthen relationships instead of damaging them.
My Growth Plan
Moving forward, my objective is to prioritize collaboration, recognizing its value even when it seems challenging or time-consuming. While compromise can maintain harmony, true collaboration transforms conflict into opportunities for collective growth. My aim as a leader is to listen actively, demonstrate empathy, and approach conflicts constructively to foster innovative solutions. I also plan to follow Wakeman’s advice to reassess situations objectively and refrain from engaging in unproductive internal narratives. As a leader, I’ve come to realize that my example matters; when I commit to clarity and openness, it empowers others to do the same, creating a culture of shared growth.
To move from compromise toward collaboration, I plan to focus on two practices in my everyday life:
1. Start with mutual purpose and respect by applying the “first 30 seconds” principle to set a safe and productive tone.
2. Listen with compassion while maintaining directness—validating emotions, asking at least one open-ended question, and then offering thoughtful, straightforward input.
In the context of complexity science in healthcare, the collaborative approach recognizes that teams are dynamic and adaptive, with interactions that can be chaotic and unpredictable. Rather than trying to micromanage, leaders can create the conditions for trust, creativity, and innovation to flourish. By modeling openness and curiosity, we demonstrate to our teams that uncertainty isn’t something to fear but something we can navigate together.
References:
Canfield, C. [TEDx Talks]. (2016, December 1). The beauty of conflict. [Video].
YouTube. https://youtu.be/55n9pH_A0O8
Campbell, C. & Clarke, S. [TEDx Talks]. (2015, July 13). Conflict - use it, don't defuse it. [Video].
YouTube. https://youtu.be/o97fVGTjE4w
Christian, K. (2017, October 17). Finding confidence in conflict [Video]. TEDxDayton.
YouTube. https://youtu.be/2lzSxjRpM_Q
Grenny, J. (2015, August 28). Mastering the art of crucial conversations [Video].
YouTube. https://youtu.be/uc3ARpccRwQ
Wakeman, C. [TEDx Talks]. (2018, December 10). Ditch the drama: how to live happy in a messy world. [Video].
YouTube. https://youtu.be/QvHo3ZAZB-M
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